Aintry? This river don't go nowhere near Aintry.

If you guys are running a still we won't tell anyone. Hell, we don't even know where we are...

Yes, tonight I watched two classic movies. The first Deliverance the second Full Metal Jacket.

Sully kept kicking me and I kept biting him so Malissa had to seperate us. It's the dog's fault. If he wouldn't sleep with his toenails in my side I wouldn't have to bite him. Anyway, we'd just started the first movie when Laura called to see if I wanted to go bowling. Of course, I would have liked to go bowling but I mean...she waited till like 9 to call me...and besides...when you are in the movie store and you see both of those two awesome movies in at the same time...you've just gotta make it happen.

"You gotta a real purdy mouth" --"You're just like an ol' sow, boy." It's just too bad the Kelly Lamb was off exploring the Gerberding castlemania game. What? Kelly and Gerberding went to White Castle? I wonder if it was EXTREME...did you see Doogie Howser?

Sidenotes:
1. I have never watched the end of Full Metal Jacket before midnight...infact there's been many a time when I've started the movie after midnight.
2. Wonder what BOB DOLL is doing...
3. "You keep sayin you got something for me..."
4. I randomly discovered how to play Blur's "Song 2" on my electric guitar today.
5. I got butted by a goat for messin with her kid.
6. "You been messin where ya shouldn't have been messin..."
7. These CROCS were made for walkin...
8. DANG COLD OUTSIDE...WTF?
9. THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING BILL DOETREE
10. Where have you gone?
11. This whole beard thing is getting out of hand.
12. My eyes are still hurting from all that super mutated pollen in Nashville.
13. Outside a siren wails.
14. Sully could sing opera. He did a very nice Pavoratti impersonation tonight while Malissa was in the restroom. Then he picked up a harmonica and told me that "John Popper could kiss," his, "ass." I'm telling you that dog has got a potty mouth.
15. "Better you than me."
16. I think I'm going to buy an Alvarez RF-8.
16.5. Or maybe an SG...perhaps a Les Paul.
17. "Watch it now watch it...here he comes here he come...WOOLY BOOLY"

18. (For those of you out there who have always been dying to know what the squirrel is saying...Snippets of the "Tribute to Nutters the Squirrel (AKA The Squirrel Song)":


If I could go back
Knowing now what I know
I swear I'd take you in my arms
And I'd never let go

See my simple words
Fail to express
How I feel without you
My life is sad and meaningless
And I don't know what to do

If I had one thing I could give to you
I'd give to you the heart
You stole from me
But that's just something you
Won't let me do

And if I could go back
Knowing now what I know
I'd take you in my arms
I swear I'd never let you go

Outside it's raining
Every drop as the rain hits
Reminds me of your
Sweet wet lips
I barely remember kissing you
It's not something I've tried to forget
But I can't seem to hold on to


And it's a sad business
Trying to figure out a heart
You used to know
I've held on for dear life
But you've, you've let me go
And now I'll never
Know you again

Running at Vanderbilt...

So we got out of the vans and it was EXTREMEly windy. (We also passed a white castle on the way). Anyway, it was much windier than anyone had anticipated. And there were these huge mutated grains of pollen flying into everyone's eyes. For the first 30 minutes it just hurt and hurt. I even wore my sunglasses after dark. But the wind died down a little. And the races got underway.

I ran faster than I've run in 5 years. I ran 5000m in 15:35. It was most likely my last race as a UAH charger...and I went into it with that intention if I don't get to go to Clemson. There are a few regrets I have about my career as a competitive runner. State Championship debacles...etc...not running as fast as I did in high school in college...until my last race. But I am satisfied that I gave everything I had last night and left it on the track. James Guthrie was there yelling at me the whole time...and it made a difference.

Sidenotes:
1. 66 second last lap.
2. driving the van back was strange.
3. 15:35...
4. Sully told me I could do it.
5. Everything has gone my way the past couple of days...just another few things and it'd be a perfect world.
6. I'm so sore...it even hurt to go to the bathroom.
7. Pruitts are watching "Lean On Me."
8. Open Mic offerings...too bad I'm not really a singer or a rapper. The things that happen when you stumble into a tiny music shop.
9. I just want to move out....I just want to get away.

EDUCATION is wasted on you. You cannot learn. You are lost.

Last Night's Kelly Lamb Extravaganza

People in attendance for the O'Charley's Dinner:

Jim
George
Corey
Luke
York
Ben
Branwen
Greg
Jessica
Kelly
Me
Markita
Brock
Anthony
Robert
Malissa

As you can see...this is quite a large party. Ben, York, and Luke did a stylish boyband impression with upturned collars, mullet wig, raybans, and last but not least their lyrical stylings and awesome dance moves. I was moved to tears when I saw it...and it wasn't cause I was happy...it was because it was that scary. Between talks with Jessica about Scott Fuqua and throwing paper at Kelly...I got up and did a jig...Jessica was a very interesting person. I wonder when she'll be visiting Kelly again.

I also went to the softball game yesterday. It was ok...nothing really exciting happened...UAH was up like 10-1 in the 4th inning so I left...mostly because my butt does not have the padding to sit through it all. I was hurtin.

Sidenotes:
1. Where have you gone?
2. Storms are in my face....threatening my race.
3. Hooray for paycheck errands.
4. Missing something_______ (insert it in the blank)
5. Kelly Lamb took my picture.
6. I'm gross. And I'm taking a shower.


I would give you anything you wanted
You were all I wanted
But all my dreams are falling down
Crawling around

Who...what? NO WAY!

I was shaving this morning...and had shaving gel all over my face when my phone starts ringing. It was Juanita Owen. She called to offer me a Conference Assisstant position. I delightfully said yes.

I was in Macroeconomics...and class got over after like 20 minutes...so I came to NCRH. I walked into Malissa's office. Malissa was on the phone..."I dunno, would you like to talk to him?" ---and I'm like what now? And it's Rebecca Blount offering me a Resident Assisstant position...so within two hours I was "promoted" (I guess you could say) twice...so that was pretty crazy.

Right now, I'm at work. Sitting behind the desk. Wishing I was somewhere else, but I decided to cover for Mallorie so she could do something...I forget what though. I'll be here till 6, then I'm going to watch the softball game...and later on going out with a group of people for the Kelly Lamb extravaganza!

Sidenoting:
1. Saw you in the hallway
it was kinda nice...
yeah I do miss ya...
hallway talk doesn't suffice...
2. Phone calls are exciting.
3. This day turned my world around...a little...still missin part of it I feel...words are just inadequate.
4. Brandon Mader is my roommate.
5. Justin Pruitt and I are running 800meters---it will be an event to remember.
6. Mark Ullom is a dendrophiliac.
7. I don't think there's anyone better.
8. Mark said to look in the forrest.
9. "I'm friggin bored outta my mind" -Cody actually said "friggin" instead of the F-bomb.

Dang Tired Boss...Dang Tired

Interestingly non-eventful day.

- got up and ran.
- worked on my paper.
- went to class.
- hung out for a while.
-went to tennis...Me and Joe Terrel destroyed Galaal and Sarah's mom in doubles...booyah.
- Came home and finished the paper.
- went to NCRH to watch the smallville I missed during Tennis class.
- now I'm home.

sidenotes:

1. Text messaging is not at all awesome to me anymore. I sent a few today...and it just didn't hold the same promise it used to.
2. Sully told me he is "hooked on blumpkin"
3. Thursday, April 21st is international step on a Canadian day. If you happen to see a Canadian or a person of Canadian descent you can totally step on them....*cough*SEAN ALLAN*cough*KELLY LAMB*cough*
4. "Down in Eutaw, Alabama." -Old Crow Medicine Show
5. Going to the softball game tomorrow.
6. Tomorrow is the Kelly Lamb extravaganza, featuring Jessica, a former girlfriend of Scott Fuqua. She dumped him, go JESSICA!
7. I made Mark Ullom wear my crocs. I don't think he likes them still...which is totally ok with me cause he's into necrophilia...and I'm not.
8. Tonight is sleep night.
9. One day at a time.
10. Keeping private stuff private
11. Mallorie says I'll find someone better.
12. Mark Ullom said to look in the morgue.
13. Joe Ybarra told me to look in Auburn.
14. There's only one girl in Auburn.
15. "Life keeps living." -Sully
16. One week down...

Shit...

Sully spoke to me today

It isn't often that the little dog talks to me, but today he told me a secret. He said, "Life keeps living. Stop pouting and go to that cabinet and get me my rawhide bone." Of course I told him, "No," because giving him the rawhide would be against Malissa's wishes...you should have heard the profanities that came out of that dog's mouth...I mean things I've never even heard...they had to have been Yorkishirish or some other GAWD-awful sailor dog talk that Sully picked up from his days at sea....the only part of it that I really caught was where he told me one time he met this chow/german sheperd mix that wanted to give him a blumpkin on the NCRH front lawn. Sully was like, "I wanted to decline but you can't look a gift-mutt in the mouth." ---I never knew that dog was such a pervert...or maybe I did...Pigbeaver...

So, not much to talk about in today's events. Went to class, went to practice, went to library, went to NCRH, came home...that's about it. Somewhere in there 15-16 hours passed into oblivion. I will never see that time again...like so many things lately...time just keeps slipping away. Maybe I'll change the projected title of my first album from "Formation: My Connect-the-Dots World" to "Sweet Oblivion"---I just don't know....thus the implication of being "oblivious"---I'm such a dork.

I bought a pair of "Crocs"--these shoes are flippin sweet...even though Mark Ullom made fun of them. I really like them and they are so comfortable. Of course, Mark Ullom likes little boys...so I'm glad he and I don't share the same footwear preferences.

time for the sidenoting:

1. If only I could write papers as well as I write journal entries...both online and on paper.
2. Isn't it horrible to have one line of a song stuck in your head...especially when you don't know the rest of the song....
3. Mader and Pruitt arguing over papers, and Mader typing 30+ pages in 24 hours...that's just got me down.
4. School is getting HECTIC.
5. Sully cussin is both hilarious and terrifying.
6. Malissa thinks Joe Ybarra is the most hilarious person she's ever met over the internet.
7. Malissa thinks Jared Dovers is a man who visits houses of ill-repute.
8. Beebo York was singing some song in a different language during our 5th 400 repeat today...it was kinda strange.
9. Alex Methvin hurdles like no other redhead.
10. Confrontation? "Understanding is found only after confrontation." ---Say, "would you like a chocolate covered pretzle?" ---that's what I thought. E.S.S.---Y.E.S.S.---Y.E.S.A.D.S.
11. Different but the same.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
That I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
YOU ARE SOMEONE ELSE
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
But you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

My Fabulous Return to Mediocre Running

So, it's been awhile, but I think I've finally clawed my way back to mediocre/decent running. This has been a long time coming.

Yesterday we went to Mississippi State for the Jace Lacoste invitational. Not a whole lot to discuss really. It was hot, many cried, some died...others contemplated suicide...the usual. Anyway, yeah...I spent the morning taking pictures for a photo cd to be used possibly at the athletic banquet. I felt I needed to more adequately cover sprinting/jumping/field events...since I had practically no pictures of any. Something I discovered is that it is hard to time the taking of pictures when the subjects are not running at mile pace or slower...but at something closer to the speed of light...sprinting. After much failure, I feel I have acquired some adequate pictures.

Then I watched some races/stayed in the field house in the shade...praying for rain or devine intervention because I was running a 5k at 4:30 in the afternoon in the Mississippi heat...and if anyone has ever been there...it's brutal...dry...and just the most horrible place on earth...aside from the havoc it takes on your sinuses...they have the most foul bugs, and the smell of the place itself is enough to make anyone want to stay away from it forever. Ok, I'm only kidding about the smell but I needed something else. There were 32 people in the 5k, and just one heat. A crowded start...and a 4:57 mile later...I'm exactly where I want to be...and I feel ok. Not great, but ok. I hit the 2 mile in 10:05 (a 5:08 second mile)--then I guess I hit a 5:13 third mile, since my last 200 was in 31 seconds. I was told I ran the last 600m in 1:44...which makes me proud cause I think that's pretty stout after running 2 and 3/4 miles...yeah. So my total time was 15:49.35, not the best I've ever run, but it's the best I've run in a few years. Anyway, I came in 8th overall. York ran pretty well, not his best race but still pretty well. The rest of the guys came up a little short, but I know they'll do better at Vanderbilt because it won't be so hot. If you were there then you understand...by the time that 5k rolled around it was miserably hot. I don't think I've sweated like that in 17 years...or at least since October.

Today, I got up. Pruitt and I cleaned a little. I took a shower, went to Books-a-Million, bought a journal, went to McDonald's, Watched Mallrats with Malissa...and now I'm at work.

Sidenotes:
1. I like the new Journal I bought
2. I am excited about finally running better
3. James Guthrie we're coming to you next weekend...look out.
4. Sorry the hometown sucks Joe, I wish there were more to do too.
5. Fact and fiction work as a team.
6. Mader experienced the JOY of Starkville, MS.
7. Heat is suck.
8. Bugs are suck.
9. Good sleep last night.
10. Didn't finish 'The 'Burbs'
11. Saw the Bohemeth.
12. Fuzzy is going to die.
13. I'm still not coming to Dallas.
14. I might consider a trip to Auburn.

Sidenotes for previous post

1. Apologies for other sidenotes, I shouldn't have written #9.
2. Screw you malissa...I wanted to say I was sorry. HA!
3. Duckpond is always windy...seldom fun.
4. Jared George Dovers is a fine upstanding human being. Anyone who disagrees will be punished severly...such as his bread ex-girlfriend...who probably broke up with him for going to boston to see another EX...sorry dude...you just can't do that kinda stuff.
5. To the violator of Joe Ybarra's umbrella, we have the video feed from the building and we know who you are. It is only a matter of time until we find you and the umbrella you stole from V. (V stands for Victor)....anyway....look out...you might just get some ex-lax in your coffee. Or as Jared and I like to call it..."TURBO-LAX"....
6. Laura, it was nice to spend some time with you and clear the air a little. I hope you felt the same.
7. I dyed my hair, she cut hers...what is this world coming to?
8. I have got to do something with my music. I've got to. I've got to get it out there.
9. In keeping with the spirit of #9 being a bad sidenote...I'd like to say that talking to Hot Katie was fun, but it in no way compares to (or replaces) the many conversations I've had with loved ones in my life. The people that truly care about me, and always will...these people I appreciate and thank God for everyday.
10. Still on the "Happier" song kick...someone send me a different song to listen to...
11. Justin believes in www.olemissxc.com
12. For Joe Ybarra and Jared Dovers (as well as any other band people that inspired me with this chant): "Kill Kill Decapitate, Murder Murder Mutilate, Hemoglobin Hemoglobin....WE WANT BLOOD" Hope that took you back.
13. If this will make you happier, I will not stand in your way.
14. If the walls come down...I'll be the pillar in the middle...holding the ceiling up.

What an action packed day

Actually no, it wasn't. I skipped my first two classes...sorry mom, sorry dad...yeah right...like they read this. But if you read this little brother...don't tell.

I got up at 7:15 to work on my microteaching lesson...but it turned out that we ran out of time so I got up early for no reason. I won't have to give it until the 21st. The first thing on the agenda once I got to campus was to get a pad with large paper for the lesson...so I did. And I ran in to Cheryl at the same time...had a nice chat with her about microteaching/ideas for whatever she could do for Science...I told her she should just pack it in and donate her body to science...she didn't seem to like that idea too much. So I then suggested a project dealing with Acer Rubrum (Red Maple) or Acer Saccarum (Sugar Maple)....this seemed to be much more to her delight. At this point I then turned and walked out of the UC. Put the drawing pad in my car....walked to NCRH...went to the second floor...saw Mader in the hallway...then on to the study lounge and sat down and wrote a letter. After I wrote the letter...I went to meet Laura. This was the first meeting since the parting...I have to say I felt a little awkward and rushed it over...then I felt bad about it so I called her and told her I didn't mean to be cold. I'm such a dork. Anyway, I gave her a cd...I hope that goes okay. Then I thought I'd go to class...but instead I went over to Malissa's and she made me a grilled cheese sandwich. I cut my finger slicing cheese...didn't even notice...it was really gross. Blood everywhere...a total tragedy. So then I played guitar for a little while...still skipping class....and at 12:15 I headed to the honors lounge to talk to Sarah...that went pretty well. I'm glad I've met Sarah, I think she's a cool gal and she's definitely got a different perspective on life. I was also hoping maybe to see Laura...didn't though. However she called me and was all, "I wasn't avoiding you."---Though, I had said, "I think she might not get up here quickly because she knows I'm going to be here" to Sarah...I really didn't think she was avoiding me. If she were...she would have just avoided me in the first place earlier that morning. So enough of that silly stuff in the honors lounge...I went to class. Sat through many microteaching lessons...I was slated to go last...so I didn't get to go. I was on my way back up to the honors lounge again when I finally decided it was time to talk to Hot Katie. Something I've been meaning to do for quite some time...though fear held me back. Don't get me wrong, she's hot...but I mean...I always have trouble approaching new people no matter what my intentions are...and really I just wanted to talk to her...so I did. She was quite pleasant, and I did enjoy it...but it was a short conversation...as most first conversations are. So I went up to the honors lounge and sat down with Sarah again...who was still working on her paper. Laura came in a little later....nothing eventful. They got to talking and I realized it was time to go cause I had a meeting at 2:30 and it was like 2:20...so I left...said goodbye...don't think they heard me...they were in their little world...they always go to their little world. Anyway...(by little world I don't mean that derrogatively...I just mean...it's theirs...they claim it...and it's ideal...and it's hard for me to get there...especially in my current state)....so I trucked it on over to the Housing office...but I had plenty of time cause Mr. Whitlock was 5 minutes late. Anyway, I met with him for about an hour or so...and then I picked up an EXPONENT and stood outside Sarah and Laura's class waiting on them. We went to the Ad-Sci building...so that Sarah could get some feedback on her paper before she turned it in. There in the alone time,I was confronted about a number 9 on my sidenotes in a previous post...it wasn't the venue...but I've struck a nerve with the girl and I'm sorry for it. How is it that I can say something or write something and have it make perfect sense to me at the time I write it and then not remember exactly what I said, and not be able to explain it later....I'm such an idiot. Anyway...Sarah took us back to the UC, and went on to her pottery class. Laura and I went to movie gallery...had a few awkward moments in the car...as far as conversation goes...I got a little mad one time. "Do I look like a priest? You don't have to tell me every little thing you do."---so I sat in silence for a minute. I almost said a bad word. We then went to chic-fil-a...then we ate at the duckpond. I think it was a good first encounter considering how upset I've been, and how I've mouthed off a little...to be honest...I didn't know what to expect from Laura...because I've never talked to her the way I've typed to her the past few days. I wrote her an email and I wish I'd been a little more tactful about my remarks...but I tend to lose it when I feel there's something to lose. So, I apologize...again. I could have said many of the things I said with more poise...and more respect. Anyway, after the duckpond she went to fitball...and I walked to NCRH. Malissa and I went to movie gallery again...rented Finding Neverland...watched it...didn't really like it. Then came home. Now I'm typing....again.
Pruitt's got to use the computer so I'm gonna go. I'll be back in a few for some sidenotes.

hooray for speedwork

This morning we ran 800,600,400,200 and that was it.

800: 2:15 (69,66)
600: 1:40 (67,33)
400: 66
200: 32


BLUH...that's all...after that we ran a 2 mile cooldown...but it was a little short.

So now, I'm at the computer after practice...Justin is in the shower. AND LITTLE SIZZLER SAUSAGES are COOKING in the kitchen. I'm listening to "Happier" by Guster...I think I already mentioned that it's an awesome song. I am still bummed. Gonna be for a while.

I got an email from Steve Whitlock in the Housing Department. We're going to have a meeting tomorrow afternoon. I can't imagine what it's all about. But I guess I'll find out soon enough. I am not worried about it though...because what else could he tell me? That I'm still abbraisive and that I still have no people skillz?--Even though I've been working twice as hard at being better and doing a better job. There's no way.

I wonder what she's doing now. I wonder how long I'll keep wondering. Or if it's even healthy for me to write it out. Maybe I should pen that up too.

What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
And where the hell I've ended up
On this glarry random day
The things I really cared about
Just left along the way
From being to pent up and proud
(Ben Folds-Evaporated)

Get off me. Do not approach me.

Side notes:
1. I can't believe AA wrote me back.
2. Emails from Courtney are good, no matter how short they are.
3. Justin Pruitt is ancy about the sausage.
4. Joe Ybarra likes Turkish cigars.
5. Sorry about the conference calls Jared.
6. It gets me real pissed off and it makes me wanna say "F*CK"
7. I watched "Lean On Me" yesterday. Morgan Freeman said, "I gave my word to God to clean this place up...and since I gave my word to God, that's why I threw the bastards out."
8. For those of y'all that wear fanny packs and pony tails.
9. YOU, Laura...you're better that way. Not when you try immitating something you think you saw....something you think you saw on a movie, or in a magazine, or in a book. Forget what you know or what you think you know about life and pain and especially about you and me. Don't try to see yourself the way that others do. It's no use. You're worried there might not be anything at all inside, but that you're worried should tell you it's not right. You had it harder than anyone could know. It's so hard for me to let you go. But it's your life, you can decorate it as you like. Beneath the pain and armor, in your eyes, the truth still shines.
10. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything. YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP. YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT SOMEDAY YOU WILL DIE. UNTIL YOU KNOW THAT,
YOU ARE USELESS. This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
11. Get over it...I'm so lame.
12. I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Trying so hard to be strong...

It only gets to me when I'm awake...ok, sometimes when I sleep too. I'm trying so hard to be strong and not talk to Laura...and it's silly...I want to talk to her, but the one person I want to talk to I can't allow myself to talk to.

But I offer this advice to anyone who believes they are in love. Never tell anyone. Don't let it out. I don't care if you're dying to tell the whole world and you think it's going to eat your insides out and make your brain fry, and heart burst...you better keep it in. Express it in any other way than actually saying it. Do not write it. Do not use sign language to say it....just let the other person know you appreciate them in other ways...lest they freak out and leave (which seems to be a developing pattern in my life).

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got
Till it's gone...

So...I went to see Malissa today. We went to wal-mart. Yes, we went to wal-mart. I purchased many things...and these things have changed my life. No. Not at all. I am the same person. I think my hair suits my mood more though. I don't know. Sometimes I want to create someone other than myself. An alter ego. And not a truck driver named Duke. I think I'll start going by my middle name...or maybe a derrivative of my first name...and not MATT. I just want to forget Matt. He keeps getting left. I don't want to be recognized as him at all. I don't know what else I can do. Grow a beard, move...wear my glasses....go by an alias...become a lounge singer or something. Hell, anything is better than staying in Huntsville or going to Scottsboro. Too much to remind me....I can't even drink around them.

Many people ask me what "I can't even drink around them" is...and I say to them..."This isn't going to be one of those retards that slobbers and rubs shit in his hair is it? Cause you know how I am about midgets and antique furniture. I can't even drink around them." ---totally a quote from the movie Slingblade.

I went to a SAAC meeting tonight. It was not very productive. I'm kinda glad that it was my last one. I'm finding now that I am leaving I am having all these ideas...just a shame I'll have to share them with Mark.

What can I say? I'm trying to be strong, but I want to call her right now. But I'm not going to...not tonight. Time to go.

Sidenotes:

1. Frustration...I want to email...but I can't.
2. Frustration again...I want to call but I won't.
3. Also frustration...I hate this.
4. I almost got hit by a waterballoon today.
5. Honors day...what a waste.
6. Sully would look cool with darker hair.
7. Pruitt would look cool with darker hair.
8. Hey Rachel Shores.
9. In your face Cody Bellomy.
10. BOO CANCER.
11. The Song "Happier" by Guster is awesome.
12. "How do you talk to an angel?" anyone else remember that song? Who sings it?
13. Deadlines and committments...what to leave in...what to leave out. Against the WIND.
14. I want to go swimming.
15. If I were President, I'd grant pardons to all men convicted of shoplifting Evan Williams.
16. Happy Boozeday, I mean Birthday, Mark Ullom...sorry it's belated.
17. Natalie Hamilton provided a nice outlet for stress today. She really helped me with a good conversation.
18. These sidenotes are getting ridiculous.

I'll just say my prayers
Light myself on fire
And walk out on the wire
Once again

Stupid me

Yesterday...

hmmm. I went to practice ran 2x1 mile @5:00-5:05 (5 minutes rest between each one) and then 6x200@34 seconds (1 minute rest between each one). I was slow on the first mile (5:07). Then coach said, "I want y'all to run 5 seconds faster on this next one." ---And I was wondering how I was going to do that when I was 2 seconds slow already. But I decided not to worry about it. Just run. So we're running the first lap of the second mile and York chuckles at me being out in the front...it didn't really make me very happy. I was just trying to get out fast so I wouldn't have to work my way out of a hole. First lap 72...crazy....much faster pace than 5:07. Anyway, I was running angry so it didn't matter. The end result was a 4:47....20 seconds faster than the previous mile...instead of the required 5. Those 200s were really hard after that.

So, after practice I went to the library to work on my research paper. Then I bummed around NCRH for awhile. Then I went to class. We got out early...like at 4:30....it was crazy. So bummed around NCRH some more...wrote a song...then went to tennis class. Sarah greeted me with "how you holding up?" and I greeted her with, "I don't want to talk about it." --So keeping that in mind. I won't. Stupid me. Tennis class got over. I saw her car. Called Andrew Hodges, bummed around NCRH some more...then went home. Bummed around the apartment till about 1 looking up chords to songs and stuff, and went to bed. I know...that day was really productive.

This morning...
I've run in the rain/fog. I was wishing I could just not be around anymore, or fade away into the fog...never to be seen again. I think it would be a grand adventure to just fade to nothing. I am a useless memory...useless memories fade.

I am a rock

So, I never realized that the sully dog was such a pain in the butt. Malissa has really spoiled that boy. Constantly whining and having to go outside at such GAWD-AWFUL times like 9:30AM...or something. NO really, he did wake me up at 4:30AM once...and that was once too many. I am happy however that he did not pee or poo anywhere in the apartment...at least not that I know of at the moment...I'm sure if he did and I don't know it...I'll figure it out soon.

Not much going on today, I got up at 9:30 and walked the dog, then tried to sleep again since I had such a late night talking with Laura. It's really hard to believe it is finished now. I think I lost quite a bit this time. Maybe more than I ever have. I've been at work since about 2:45, I needed plenty of time to get Sully settled back inMalissa's room before I got out here to work...I swear he barked for an hour straight...from 2:45 to 3:45, I never thought he was going to shut it. It's amazing how things can go from being alright to just being sad in the blink of an eye. I need to brush my teeth. They feel sugary...sticky...gross.

Work has not been fun. I do think I had a productive conversation with Tammy on instant messenger, and I did talk to Laura's friend Danielle a little...but I dunno. All Danielle seemed to want to know was why it happened, and I just don't really feel like talking about it. I guess maybe there isn't much to say. It didn't go how I wanted, and I feel I'm losing out...but I've felt that many times before and always been wrong...I hope I'm not this time. Anyway, I don't know how I'll react to being a friend. I don't know if I'm up to it just yet, or if I ever will be. It's all so complicated in my head, but it all comes out so simply when it's said. I write too much, and I'm very Granola (cheesey is another derrivative that could be used)....but I guess that's me. Who knows...

Malissa and Kelly are lost and gone forever...somewhere in Georgia. Samantha and Jennifer watch TV with Sandmeyer on the bigscreen...I sit lonely behind a desk missing her...and thinking of how odd it is now...at least it's odd to me.

I wonder what that Leslie Gray girl is doing. I called her yesterday but she was in a hurry to hang out with her sister and go to the movies. Said she'd call me back, maybe she will, maybe she won't. Who knows...

Sidenotes:
1. Sully just barked, just now.
2. I am not worried. I am not overly concerned.
3. Joe Ybarra, you keep on truckin man. You do what you have to. And remember Jared's advice. He has his moments of shining wisdom...though they are few and far between.
4. Love is a burning thing.
5. Love is pain
6. Love is hell.
7. I am in hell.
8. 16:28 in 88 degree heat...just not a fun time.
9. Is anything gonna go right this week...I doubt it...I'm in over my head now.
10. Why am I complicating things?
11. I wish I were old and retired. It'd suit my mood so much more than young and stupid.
12. COURTNEY where are you?
13. Screw school, screw the future, I just want to get a crappy paying job and live paycheck to paycheck. I don't need nice things.
14. I want to be Bob Dylan.
15. IF ONLY A MOTORCYCLE WOULD CRUSH MY THROAT.
16. I forget what 16 is.
17. I'm too tired to fight it.
18. BORED=BOARD
19. In your face Brandon Mader.
20. DO NOT APPROACH ME!

Just thinkin

How much do you have to give away before you have it all? How deep must you sink before you float? With how much patience must we endure tribulations before hope is ours...only God knows.

James Guthrie always told me hindsight is 20/20...wouldn't it be awesome if foresight was too?

Wow, Such a long time since I posted

A lot has happened since then...but nothing worth mentioning really.

How is it fair that someone can come into your life and change it completely and then decide that they want a lesser role than what they established themselves to be from the beginning? It isn't fair. I am heartbroken. So what have I done? I write...

Oh we had a good run
I have to say that it has been
Many times lots of fun
You were like no one I'd ever seen
But you never fall like I fall
I've been trying to hang on
But last night you let me know
That you've already let me go

You found me in late October
The stars fell heavy on your eyes
You told me it was too soon
I refused to believe those lies
Now it's April almost noon
And you never fall like I fall
I thought you were an angel
But even the highest angels fall

You had an air of wonder
Made me believe there's more to me
Danced with me in the soft embrace
Told me I was slightly silly
Then casually kissed my face
But you never fall like I fall
I held you up so high
Yet even the highest angels fall

You awakened inside of me
Something I hadn't felt in quite awhile
All the times that I have written
All the times you made me smile
About a love that will never be given
It's true you never fall like I fall
But this is the last time
And even the highest angels fall

You were the answer to that prayer
The one that broke the spell for me
You helped me to forget her
But now you've left inspite of me
And you never fall like I fall
But thankyou for raising my expectations
And reminding me that afterall
Even the highest angels fall