Someone said the most ridiculous thing to me the other day

"You're a hopeless romantic and you thrive on the pain it causes you"

WTF?

I really don't enjoy any bit of any pain.


So...I got done with Clare's audio letter today. Sent it off. I feel bad that I missed her birthday but then again, she wasn't precisely on time with mine either. EH.

THE EH, is for you Courtney. Cause...um...that's totally you EH. (english major?)

So, I went out drinking for the third night in a row the other day. It was great fun. Went to the jazz factory, played pool with high school pals...and got stinking drunk. YES, stinking drunk. It was really bad. My tab was 52 something and all of it almost was hard liquor.

the receipt ( I didn't read it till the next day actually) said:
4 Evan Williams
5 Southern Comfort
1 Guinness draft
2 Jagermeister

Did I feel hungover...no. Did I still feel drunk? YES. But I didn't really drink all that. Two or three of those were drinks for other people. Anyway, it was great fun...the first time I've ever really gone drinking with the highschool crowd. I mean really drinking...Jared and I went to the docks this past summer but that wasn't any big deal.

People in attendence:
Jared George Dovers
Brandon Cole Mader
Karsten Lowe
Blake Johnson
Joseph Victor Ybarra
Josh Edmonson

GOOD TIMES.

Um, sorry for talking about all that Alfred and Bessima. I know you are disappointed. But that's just too bad. And no, I don't have a problem. So you can deal.

What up Lamb?

No deep or meaningful thoughts today. Sorry people.

Sidenotes?
No thankyou. Perhaps another day.

man all this talk about soap on a rope

I say what about life on a string? Here we are just dangling....kicking and screaming and gasping for air. Life on a string. A string attached to a horse in an old western movie...a string dragging us across the desert...here I am painting a town red and calling it HELL. Where is passion? Where is fire? Where the hell are the little things that get overlooked in a common day by the common man? Where's at? What? Whadduyah wanna do? Whadduyah wanna do?

I saw a movie last night. But that isn't the point. The point is this crazy girl wanted to walk home from Carmike to Campus. It was 11:15 PM and 33 degrees outside and she wants to walk. Won't get in the jeep. Won't listen to Brandon Mader. Won't listen to me. She has no jacket. She has no belief that what she's about to do is dangerous at any time of the day. She's about to attempt to walk 5 miles without thinking about the consequences. Mader finally got her in the jeep. I on the other hand am quite uncomfortable in the situation. And I wished to be out of it. We got back and Mader and I went to Krystals. He drove. I was drinking. Hell, I don't know why. I just needed to forget the realness of that stupid situation...I think perhaps drinking to escape reality is drinking for the wrong reason. I'm taking some time off from it for a while now. I'm really wanting to focus more on my music. I wonder if it could take me anywhere. I just feel like I'm on the verge of something. I don't know what, but maybe something new to me. Maybe something old and boring to others. Suddenly I have a new found appreciation for the rustic. For the old...what has stood for so long. I'm going home today. I'm gonna take some pictures of some places. A lot of people want to forget these places because of the connotations they have with the past. These people are the ignorant and refuse to see the beauty in realizing mistakes. "Why do you want to bring that up?" That's the question I always get when I try to bring it up. I have found that too many don't want to talk about it. No one wants to deal.

Really, I don't want to talk about it either.

Where am I going? Where have I been. I am always finding a new place in an old place, and always old places in new places. How ridiculously odd to make that statement. If you're really smart maybe you'll pick up on what I mean. If you're not, then it will be lost on you.

Who's incharge here anyway? I'm certainly not. I have no control whatsoever. What am I doing about that? Nothing. I just let go of the wheel. I have no power to change anything. I think we all know that no one on this earth has the power to do truly control their lives.

There's this girl that I know who lives up the road. She's got all these feelings inside that just want to explode. And there's another down the street that I'd kind of like to meet. She's got spirit and heart and is a little odd but sweet. I'm fortunate to say that things have worked out nicely but not as nicely as I anticipated or hoped for. What do I really have to complain about? Nothing. What do you have to complain about? I want to hear. It's Wednesday morning and I'm trying to find a way. It's Wednesday morning and I'm coming home today. Tomorrow is a Thursday but that doesn't change a Wednesday. Doesn't change a cat that's suposed to be Mr. Saturday Night. You won't pick up on that. That's one that will only make sense to me, and possibly one other who shall go un-named.


Right now you're down in Bahama town
And I'm at a desk with no one around
Things are going well
Things are going well
I don't need anyone around
I had too much to drink last night
And I woke up this morning
Not feeling too right
Something tells me today is wrong
I've got that girl underneath my skin
And that lovesick feeling is sinking in
Today I'm going back to my hometown
And it's said that life's a bitch then you die
I keep thinking that someday if I try
I might spread my wings and fly
Cause she's been seeing someone else
And I've been keeping to myself
And I keep thinking this time
It will all work out right
I pulled into the drive today
I was looking for a reason to stay
But I just backed up and drove away
An empty house is no reason to stick around
I live life dangling on a string
And I lose myself over every little thing
I guess getting hurt is part of growing old

jamming to whitesnake...

Here I go again on my own...jugga juh juh
Goin down the only road I've ever known...


GAH! I hope you all enjoyed the guitar riff I put in there. So I think I pissed her off and I'm kinda sad about it.

Here I am working the desk at 8am. Like usual I feel like crap, and I don't want to be here. But I say that every time I post when I'm working.

I'm still waiting for a reason to smile today. SOMEONE, anyone please give me one. Called Leslie last night. She didn't answer. I wonder if she got blown away in a hurricane. So I've got duty this weekend....take the pager tonight and I hold it until Sunday at 5pm. It looks to be a promising duty weekend. There's an iron bowl goin on, and for once I have food to eat since I can't leave the building.

Last weekend I wrote a 25 page paper. I thought it was going to kill me. It was due on monday and I got it done around 5AM monday morning. Went to kinkos to get it printed and finally collapsed in bed around 6. Went to class to turn it in and discovered much to my horrid and terrible surprise that the instructor (on the day the paper is due) decides he doesn't want them till a week later. WHAT THE HECK MAN? I was so ticked. Anyway...I shot him. I shot him right in the face. Now I'm an outlaw and I'm on the run. Deal.

Yesterday the bessima slept in my room. Alfred, you were with a man. I saw you. Einstein cannot help you now. I digress...

So Kelly Lamb (this is just a conjecture....C....is for conjecture)......(W...... is for what about that guy?)--wow was that a little obvious? I KEED. I miss you Lamb. I haven't seen you in like two days. What are you up to? Really. I've got some duty this weekend. If you also have some duty this weekend we should hang out a little. DOODY...DUTY....DOODIE? Boo-boo.

Maybe it's time for some sidenotes:
1. She never came, she never even called.
2. I've really got to quit smoking.
3. I twisted my ankle...I have super ankles, unlike Nick Hensley who can hurt his ankles while wearing timberlands.
4. Yoda Ben?
5. His name is Carvalho--C-A-R-V-A-L-H-O...
6. this song's about training...
7. Bessima in my bed.
8. Britknee Lonergan is my beloved. I'm all you got.
9. Ben waits on Robert Orso.
10. I told them I wasn't drinking...but guess what....
11. Who is that? Wow she looks good.
12. Tell me what to do now.
13. Here's a box of Krispy Kreme.
14. Leslie Gray where'd you go?
15. It's cold enough to make yellow snow cones outside.
16. I was never good at peeing my name in the snow. I blame this on the fact that it never snows here so I don't get much practice.
17. I want to step on someone's throat with the heel of my boot.
18. "....is the kind of girl that is like the little sore in your mouth that would heal if you could just quit tonguing it."

Nothing says I love you like

TWO DUTY NIGHTS IN A ROW...

And it's not even my birthday. Ah, so many things a happenin in this place. Actually as usual it's 8AM friday morning and I'm working the desk and I'm bored as hell. I've only been here like 5 minutes and I'm already blogging. SHIT.

So I've been hanging out with a delightful young lady. We had a nice chat last night about just letting it be whatever. And I'm fine with whatever as long as whatever is whatever and whatever is something other than nothing. Does that make sense? I don't know. Reminds me of some lyrics to a song I can't remember from a time I decided to forget. But I enjoy her and that's a good thing I guess. Sometimes it's bad to enjoy people too much. I think I enjoy her just the right amount at the moment.

Ah, let's see...the HALLOWEENIE ROAST went well. I grilled hotdogs as Aquaman. I think the turnout was really good. I only ended up having to throw away something like 4 hotdogs and that ain't too shabby. Of course it took a whole lot of trouble to get the grill over to the building. I had to borrow Ben's grinder and cut the chain cause the stupid NCRH 0 staff lost the key to the lock. Here's what's better, taking the grill back over there the FREAKING WHEEL fell off and I had to get Ben to come and help me carry it the rest of the way.

Brian came and spent the night saturday evening. Pretty much we just talked and he played video games. I went to bed around 3 after the clock had been turned back to 2 (so it was like going to bed at 4) but I got a page at 5:30, and then another at 9:30....after that I just gave up on sleeping. Sunday Brad and Mandy came over and hung out with me all afternoon. Then we went and saw "A History of Violence." It was a little graphic...to say the least.

Let's see, Halloween? Eh. I wasn't feeling so great. Infact, I was damn sick. I've been damn sick for like 4 days now and I'm really effing tired of it. The major bummer is that I've felt like singing/writing some stuff on the guitar but my voice has been shot to hell. And then it came back and I played and sang for a little while and then it left again. So now I'm just letting it rest until this stupid cough decides to go away.

For those of y'all that wear fanny packs:
I have learned some new songs. 1) To Make You Feel My Love(Garth) 2) Mr. Brightside(The Killers) 3) All These Things That I've Done (The Killers) 4) Til Kingdom Come(Coldplay) 5) Hold MY <> Hand (Hootie and the Blowfish)

So this morning I woke up and buffened the guns. Then I came to work. Not anything really thrilling going on here.

I'm so tired of cough drops. I just want to not feel icky.

Positively 4th Street- Bob Dylan

You've got a lot of nerve
to say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning

You've got a lot of nerve
To say you've got a helping hand to lend
You just want to
Be on the side that's winning

You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it?

You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it

I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among
The crowd you're in with

Do you take me for such a fool
To think that I'd make contact
With someone who tries to hide
What it don't know to begin with

You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say "how are you?" "Good luck"
But you don't mean it

When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it

No I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I were a master thief
Perhaps I'd rob them

And now I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand
It's not my problem

I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you

Yes I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you

FUCK IT...let's do a top 8 bottom four for old time's sake...

Top 8
8. Brian's visit saturday night
7. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
6. That girl and the kissing
5. Aquaman at the Halloweenie Roast
4. In a perfect world...
3. Fall
2. That old feeling again
1. Floor Wars

Bottom 4
4. Reality to contrast the perfect world
3. Everytime there's kissing invovled there's a chance you're gonna get hurt. Guess it was my turn to get hurt...again. Just like always.
2. SORE FUCKING THROAT
1. Programming