"If that's the way that you want it, then that's the way I want it more..."

I feel torn between conviction, dignity, lust, and hatred. How is it that someone can make me so entirely angry but at the same time consume my every thought? It isn't fair the way it's worked out...it isn't fair that I should have to bite my tongue. I worry that in the end, all it was about was my selfish need for another chance. But I never made a move. I never made an advance. I never took a first chance, so why would I need a second? This wasn't my second chance. This was hers.

I sit in the quiet solitude of an upstairs attic-style room, barely feeling the warmth provided by a small space heater. The only noise above the rattle of the useless heater is my typing. I slept here last night, in the almost cold. It would not have been possible if I had not been exhausted by the day. The holidays are an exhausting process in my parents's house. There is hussle and bussle and constant movement. Constant cleaning and messing and cleaning. Constant orders from my mother to "shut this door" "open that vent" "move that pan" "reach this on the top shelf for me" "move the rocking chair for the baby" "you're getting a little loud with your guitar, could you stop altogether?"---couple this with being moved around like I'm a Hurricane Katrina refugee...around the house from room to room. I'm constantly packing up and moving to another room as the relatives arrive. It isn't fair that I never get to feel like a guest here. I don't live here anymore. And my father tells me "there's no good going on after midnight in this world"--and I think to myself, 'that's kinda the point, Dad.' ---be that as it may, I've never given my parents a spot of trouble with the police or vehicles or anything. I never wrecked a car, I never went out and got into trouble before. Why do they feel I'll get into any more trouble now that I'm older? It makes no sense. I'm old enough to make my own decisions and own my mistakes, accept my consequences with dignity, etc. I know what can happen as a result of my decisions because I usually think things through...unlike some other members of my family. So they treat me like a kid. I'll do what I wish regardless of what they say when it comes to coming and going from this place.

All this and dealing with a woman, excuse me, I'll correct myself...a girl, with a ridiculous frame of mind and a few delusions that keep her from becoming a truly awesome person. She is awful at communication. I won't play the game. Forget it. She gets nothing, unless she reads this blog (which I know she doesn't because there's no way she knows about it). I don't like it any more than the rest of you, but the way she wants it, she gets it.

Sometimes during the holidays I long to just sit and be alone...like I am now. And no one is around up here because it isn't warm. I mean who wants to be where it's cold anyway? No one. Which is why mother puts me out here.

Ok rant successfully completed.