The fable of Coonie

There's a feller that travels round these parts in an '86 Ford Bronco (we ain't talkin no Bronco II, we're talkin all out balls-to-the-wall-huge-ass-V8-Full-size Bronco...and eff Eddie Bauer). This guy has got himself a personalized license plate that says "Coonie" and below this license plate that says "Coonie" are two ridiculous cowbells hanging from a trailer hitch. Now, Mr. Coonie travels with a rough crowd. He's got a tatoo on his right arm that says, "Destructive Gun" and a tatoo on his left arm that says, "CRUSHER!" (emphasis on the exclaimation point). His left arm is noticeably bigger than his right. Coonie is the Jackson County arm wrestling champion 4 years running, and he's hoping to take state like he did back in '79 when he was 19. Coonie didn't always travel with a rough crowd. Infact, one time he was in school (Grades 1-5...grade 3 for about 4 years) and he had dreams of owning a great big house with a lot of vinyl siding...instead he's got him a pretty sweet pad that he throws in the bed of his bronco. He's also got this 95 lbs. dumbell that he only uses on his left arm (says, "Gotta Keep in Shape!"). Sometimes he brings the weight up too high and knocks out his false front tooth (He lost it in a bar fight with John Bobby Johnson about six years ago). It's no big deal to put it back in, it's made from some granite he stole from the north quarry. Coonie, who's real name is Ted Rex Coonster IV, loves to eat snowcones. His favorite flavor is "purple." Coonie is still looking for that special lady to fill his life. He can't seem to find a lovely lady that loves his Bronco home/arm wrestling lifestyle as much as him. "I know she's out there I seen her. She's got a gold tooth--I bet she's loaded! We can get a 90s model Bronco" (straight from the horse's ass).
If you ever want to find Coonie, he likes to park his Bronco round the back of the Texaco-China Buffet-Taxidermy service building. He'll be the tall guy with the lop-sided arms , holding a can of Natty Light, and grinning at you with a rock in his smile.